Joy…and Pain

Far too many women are suffering in silence. A mask of happiness covering their grief. Shedding quiet tears behind closed doors. Feeling like no one understands you and your pain. I understand how you feel all too well…

We were looking forward to starting a family but things weren’t going as planned. So I turned to my doctor for help. Imagine my shock and joy when my doctor told me I was already pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my husband! My doctor scheduled my first ultrasound the week of Thanksgiving. We thought it was perfect timing as we could share our good news with our family for Thanksgiving. The plan was to have the ultrasound done and then get on the highway to visit my brother-in-law for the holiday.

A couple of days before my ultrasound I had some light spotting. I was told this was normal and not to worry. It stopped and I felt okay. As the technician performed the ultrasound she kept the screen facing her. I thought that was a bit odd. Then she left the room for a moment and I started to get nervous. When she came back into the room she told me to go straight to my doctor’s office. I asked why and was met with you NEED to talk to your doctor. That was it. When we arrived there was a waiting room full of pregnant bellies waiting to be seen. We bypassed them and were taken in my doctor’s office, not an exam room. I prayed. She told us that I had an ectopic pregnancy. What is that? I had never heard of that before so I didn’t really understand the severity of what she was saying at the time. Then she told me I had to have emergency surgery. They may have to remove my tube and my baby. At that moment, I think the world stopped.  At least in my head it did. I shed a few tears, but I didn’t have time for them. There was no time to process what I was being told. There was no time to feel anything. I had to be prepped for surgery. What began as an exiting day quickly turned into a nightmare. We needed help – quickly! We made the heart-wrenching calls to his parents, my sister and my godmother telling them we lost the baby they never knew I had.  During the walk over to the ER I was numb, just going through the motions.

My surgery went well as I had no complications, but I woke up to the reality that I was no longer pregnant. I was told they removed my tube because it was damaged and that would greatly decrease my chances of having a baby. And if I did get pregnant, chances were high that it may be ectopic again. That was my new reality. Nothing prepared me for the avalanche of emotions that came pouring out of me in days following. The helpless looks on the faces of loved ones when I was on the verge of tears yet again. Thanksgiving would never be the same for me. Baby showers and birthday parties were hard.

Fast forward twelve years and now I have three beautiful, smart and healthy children. Remember when they said my chances for conceiving again were pretty low. But God! My faith had been challenged, but remained in tact. I may have been stretched and pushed, but I was just bent, not broken.